i am not nickbooth.

2012-01-19

calivintage:

omg. cat atelier.

I need to get june a hat like this.

animals dressed as humans: I HATE THIS SO MUCH.

Love. What an enigma…. i can honestly say that i have never ever really truly experienced it. Lately, i’ve been yearning to feel that way. To give myself to somebody completely, to be there for them unconditionally and know that no matter what, they’ll be that person for me in return. I am a 21 year old man, and i’ve never even really been in a relationship… why? I sometimes think i’m incapable of feeling that way about somebody. Sometimes i think there’s legitimately something wrong with me. I am a scorpio i’m 21, and i find myself attracted to people with a lusty passion that burns like fire throughout my body, but that feeling fizzles out by the time i have them and walk out the door. I want to find that one person who lights that same fire in me just by being next to me, or looking deep into their eyes, or hearing the sound of their voice. Isn’t that what being in love feels like?

I’ve noticed a real change in myself in the last few months. I’ve been having a significantly increased amount of this sex. My actions aren’t by any means desperate, and my partners are all not only attractive, (VERY) but intelligent, clever and witty, and people i continue to be good friends with. But for the first time, sex, no matter how explosive, passionate, and mind blowing it may be, isn’t enough for me anymore.

But at the same time, I love sex, and i am at the point in my life where I have the balls to be vulnerable, put myself out there, tell somebody i want them, and if somebody isn’t into me, i don’t feel embarassment or shame, its perfectly ok. This new confidence is awesome. But now, I swear when it comes to my sexual being i have split personality disorder. On the one hand, i crave sex (honestly its a borderline addiction) i need it, i thrive on it, i’m alive when i’m naked with another body (or two) next to me, yet, i am not satisfied with it and want just one person, the same person. And yet again, the thought of committing myself to one man or woman scares me because not only do i risk getting my heart broken, but also breaking somebody else’s heart. I would never want to do that to somebody. I want to commit myself to somebody, but i also fear that i’ll make a stupid decision, and ruin the thing i want to have for something so satisfying and yet at the same time so unsatisfactory.

In the end, i know that i truly am a sexual being. I’m not trying to brag, and i certainly have nothing to prove to anybody, but i exude this sexual energy and magnetism that i know other people pick up on. When i flirt, or show any romantic/sexual interest in anybody, they seem to only want that, and nothing else. People don’t see the rest of who i am, they don’t see the caring, supportive, kind, generous, (slightly selfish, slightly jaded), exciting, adventurous, curious, emotional, amazing parts of me. They seem to see nothing but a great body, nice face, tattoos, piercings, and feel nothing but sex. Is that why i haven’t found love? What can i do? I am who i am, and i have so much more to offer in addition to sex, but thats all anybody ever sees or wants in me. In the end of course i do it, and willingly, but thats it, a night, or even a couple hours of passion, and then its goodbye. I don’t know what its like to take things slowly, and i don’t think i could because its my nature. How do i show people i’m interested in that i can be so much more? Only one person has ever asked me out on a date, and nobody has ever even told me they had a crush on me. All i ever hear is “you’re so hot, i want you”, or “you drive me wild” “you turn me on so much”, instead of “i want to get to know you”, or “what are you thinking” or anything of a more personal nature. Nothing would make me happier than sitting with somebody and having them genuinely pick my brain instead of faking interest just to get me naked.

So what do i do? Where do i even start? I know that i want to experience that unknown realm called love, but can i actually make it happen? And if so, who would be willing to accompany me on the journey? How do i project myself as something more than a purely sexual creature? I don’t want to hide that part of myself, it is verymuch a part of who i am, and i love that part of myself, but underneath it there is a whole ocean of these other beautiful aspects of myself that take a little more time to discover. I know that you can’t look for love, hunt it, force it, or demand it; it always comes to you, when you least expect it to. Time and patience and especially no thinking are the first steps. But will that be enough? I wish i could project a more complete picture of myself to people initially, but it doesn’t come easily, it has to be drawn out of me, but once its out, its just as attractive as my sexual self.

I don’t know why i’m thinking about this, but it feels good to let it all out. Hopefully this is the start of something new, exciting, and undeniably beautiful. Cheers.

2012-01-06

This is Howl, and i love him more than anything.

2011-12-27

I am the meatball master!!!!

2011-11-25

~~black~~ bacon friday.

2011-11-23

i am currently:

sitting in dobra tea trying to prevent an inevitable mental implosion.

i hate the winter. i hate the cold. i hate my job(s). i hate the fact that my nose is running like a faucet. i hate the obnoxiously in love couple sitting across from me. and i especially hate the fact that tomorrow is thanksgiving.

so, heres to being thankful for absolutely nothing….. get fucked.

this weekend.

i’m going to have to be wheeled out of the bars tonight.

Source: synecdoche

→

i’m prettysure

that i just saw a relatively attractive man dressed properly with a batman lunchbox.

hero.

→

itsmandalina:

ohthethrillthatkills:

funny, broke, fool

this is all too accurate.

fat. beautiful. broken.

i want to try again but now those are the only words sticking out.

frail funny pretty?

kinda…. but no.

Source: misskaelovesyou